I'm tired! And I feel like complaining...

... about a lot of things.

Right now, I am tired of discipline and structure for the girls. It's been tough since I came back from my trip. We feel that my being gone really stirred up anxiety in O, or she is just going through a regression phase, but regardless of the reason, we are sick of behaviors we thought were behind us. It's sad to watch really. She feels the need so much to be in control, to be the parent, to be in charge for her and her sister. But she's only 4 and doesn't have the skills or the mental capacity to even know what to do. So she just does SOMETHING... ANYTHING... in her mind to deal with what is going on around her. This typically leads to destroyed things, defiant behavior, a lot of really wrong choices, and a whole host of things that make her annoying to be around. Who is this kid? And why did we invite her into our home? :)

I'm tired of the heat. We had an amazing summer. Temps in the 80s and low 90s during the day and chilly at night. That's all forgotten now - it's 103 today. We run the air constantly, and I know the electric bill will be huge.

I'm tired of how the stress of everything is affecting me physically and how almost everyone I know has told me "... you look really tired..." I'm tired of hearing that! I'm tired of the bags under my eyes and the solemn look on my face that is present most days.

But mostly I am so very tired of uncertainty. It's been almost three years now that we have been living with the fear behind having no idea how we will pay our next mortgage payment. Maybe we are banging our heads against the wall and just not listening to what is being told to us. Maybe we are living above our means and we should cut our losses, take the destroyed credit rating, and move back to a mobile home. Maybe we will never again enjoy the kind of earnings we experinced four and five years ago. The stress of this is just overwhelming at times. It is a black cloud over me all the time - draining my energy, robbing me of joy, keeping me from investing in others because I am so focused on our own situation.

It seems much worse now that we are responsible for two more lives...

I have about two weeks left at my job. Unless something dramatic happens this week, our company is sunk. We owe much more than is in the bank account, and when that is gone, there will be no money to pay me anymore. This is sad for a lot of people - not just me. I've learned a lot, and my resume is certainly more impressive, but this company was perhaps the best chance I will ever see in my lifetime to be in on the ground floor of a business that has the opportunity to grow into a worldwide presence. It has been fun to dream of all the good things I could do for so many people as I helped direct the company. It's been sad to watch my boss deceive himself and others and waste the many opportunities we've been given. He will be in overwhelming financial trouble. At 62, I wonder what other opportunities are out there for him. A lot of good people will lose their investments and the hopes they had for the future as well.

There has been a verse that has been on my mind for about a week now. Matthew 5 starts out with

Now when he saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, and he began to teach them saying: "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven...

I've been wondering a lot about what it means to be "poor in spirit." I love the way The Message paraphrases that, "You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope..." Jesus spoke so much about the Kingdom of Heaven being at hand. Not that life sucks here on Earth, so just deal with it until you die and get to Heaven. Jesus taught that God's Kingdom was here - now. So what does that mean??? How do I live like I belive that?

I know I feel poor in spirit. I know I'm at the end of my rope. I'm tired of having $10 in the savings account just to keep it open. I'm tired of saying "No" and correcting my daughter dozens of times everyday. I'm tired of Jenetta's business being in the toilet. I'm tired of going back to applying and interviewing for a job and begging for someone else to take a chance on me. I'm tired of the uncertainty and doubts. Maybe it means when I acknowledge that I don't have the answers and get a proper humble perspective of myself and God, that there is room for Him to work in my life and my circumstances. At times, I have clarity of thought. I can look back and see time after time after time how God took care of us, provided us with what we needed, and made things work out in a way that I couldn't conceive of before. I was telling my dad that it would be really nice if God gave us the same spiritual acuity in future events as we seem to be blessed with when looking back. There wouldn't be much room for faith, but it sure seems like it would be more peaceful for everyone... God doesn't work that way. I don't know why.

I want to experience God's Kingdom right now. I want the peace that God gives us. I want to be able to think back on God's provision Jenetta and I have personally experienced over the years, and then have that affect the way I feel for longer than 4 or 5 minutes before the stress comes back. I've been thinking about the phrase from Mark 9:24 a lot lately:

Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"

Because that's about all I can do.